It's been a while since I got on here - it's weird how fast time moves. How can it be the middle of June already? Crazy town.
I'm going to be super honest - when I try to sit down and write anything regarding how or what I feel, I totally freeze. Brain shut down. Thoughts *poof*. Bye, bye words. See ya never? This has made me feel so paralyzed. I've not created content in so long that the feeling of this frozenness is turning into a feeling of helplessness. For a while I didn't mind - to think about anything more than what was in front of me was such a weight in itself. So I coasted my thoughts and honestly, continue to do so quite often. However, I'm seven months into this and I'm beginning to realize that maybe I am coming to this place in my life in which something is stirring inside of me? Stuff happens to your entire person when tragedy happens. For me - it was wanting to make my mom proud. She always encouraged me to sing, to make YouTube videos (hell, she and my dad told me to put myself on there when I was in high school and I never listened!), make clothes, pursue acting, design jewelry – literally you name it, my mom encouraged me to do it. But when I let my mind flourish and think “I can do this! I can create! Mom would be so proud!” I have this faint little reminder that if I took myself back to reality, I could easily be found sobbing on the couch at the drop of a hat. P.S. I'm not a completely unstable human being, lol, so don't totally freak out! Just being v honest. I like honesty and I hope you are kewl with this.
Anyway - seeing as I've felt especially paralyzed at the keyboard, but have felt a stirring to share or scream or sing or do something - anything, I decided to just share something simple that caught my attention today. It was an instagram graphic shared by Bethel music - which is a worship band in California - and it stopped me in my tracks.
If you know me, you know I have been singing my entire life - in fact, it makes up so much of who I am, I would say it qualifies as one of the first descriptions of me. Daughter, sister, wife, friend, singer, etc. Not because ~woah look at me I sing~ (I know PLENTY of extremely talented and passionate singers and muscians that I would tout in a hot second) but more so it's just a thing that is engrained in my being. I remember when I was in pre-k 4 (or maybe kindergarten?) and all of us Broun kids went to a Christisan school where my mother taught... the church attached to the school was having a drama special (or something) and they needed a little kid's voice recording of "Jesus Loves Me". My mom believed I was a little singer so she volunteered me for the role. I remember singing in the library with the old orange speckled carpet as they recorded it on an old cassette player and I remember sitting in the church balcony the moment my voice came on the speakers. From that moment on (or my mom would most definitely say from the moment I found my voice) I was singing any time I could.
I fell away from all forms of song for several years while I was trying to figure out who I was. You could say I was a little bitter in college - I didn't have the best experience and I was trying to be a rebel (OR SOMETHING??? still not sure what my problem was). Once I began singing again a little over three years ago, I remembered an intricate part of who I am. It was one of those like “ah-ha” moments that feels so, soooooo right.
Fast forward to now: since February, I've sang (aside from around the house, in my car, etc.) approximately once a month at our church (that’s the way they run things there so no one is expected to serve all month, all year long... and I think that was v cool of them) and I've felt God move in me each time. Like never before. NEVER. Yes, I have always been engaged in worship at some level - but never like this. This was fa sho the holy spirit moving through me. FA SHO. And it has brought me to tears each time. To sing the words “You are good to me” after such great sorrow?How is that even possible? What am I even saying?? You took something that was most, most precious to me and here I praise You??? That shouldn’t add up. But He is good. He is faithful. He does love me. He holds me in my grief. He holds me in my daily struggles that separate me from Him. He loves me. Jesus loves me.
Yes – I did go off on a tangent there for a minute but I’ll finish my blog post now. Lol.
If it isn’t evident from my words on this page that I feel something stirring and I feel like I am on the tip of unexplainable, then I am telling you now. Yes, I hurt. Yes, I am broken. Yes, I grieve. Yes, I miss her more than I could ever express in my entire lifetime. No, I don’t know what tomorrow faces. It could be complete brokenness followed be a puddle of tears and a scratchy voice from sobbing… but I have this insanely real hold on me from God. He has brought me joy. Amidst the sorrow and pain and hate and anger and disgust, He has managed to bring me joy. Is it fleeting? Probably. I believe in seasons of life so yes, I believe I will read back on this post one day and be like “HAHA. You were in denial.” But right now, I feel peace and comfort and joy.
With all of that – I want to leave you with the Instagram post that made me want to jump on top of a table and yell “YES!”
Life is really, really hard sometimes. If only I could share with you the struggles I have and continue to face in my daily and hourly life. It’s not easy, it’s not simple, it’s not “creating your own happiness” like I used to believe. It’s resting in the comfort that Jesus loves you, He ONLY wants to be your friend and He loves you more than anything you could imagine. If He created the stars and the moon and the sun and the trees and the birds to solely glorify Him all the days of their life, why not us? That’s where I am right now. Yes, I am for sure doing a shitty job (I do cuss a little people, I’m a human) but knowing He is there brings me peace.
I'm Alyssa, thanks for stopping by! A few things: I enjoy laughing, making youtube videos and thrift shopping. Currently listening to "Everything Now" by Arcade Fire. I like my coffee black and my preferred method of maxin' & relaxin' is with my husband and pup.